Sep 2007

I have a confession to make. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I think it is widely assumed that because over the past several years I have travelled solo to places such as Borneo, Myanmar, South America and Austral Asia, that I in some way know what I am doing. Well, I don't. No more than anyone else does, I assure you. So why do I do it? Why can't I seem to "settle" into the life that I know how to live?

I think it boils down to two simple things that I seem to have an equal combination of: faith and hope. Wait, wasn't that the title of a really bad sitcom? Well, before any of the guys out there jam a screwdriver into their hard drive to make this all go away, I ask that you to hear me out.

Faith: I've never been big on preachy religious mumbo jumbo and I'm not going to use my blog as a vehicle to make people keen on Jesus, Allah, Buddha or the benefits of a being a snake handler.

I simply have faith as a traveller that the world is a far better place than most of us give it credit for. Though nervous thoughts have inevitably crept into my head preceding each journey, I've always returned home thinking how silly those thoughts had been.

Have bad things happened to me while travelling? Absolutely. Is it entirely possible that I might not make it back from the trip I am about to embark on? Sure. But as I write this, I am several hours removed from learning of the death of a 27-year old woman in my hometown. She was driving home from work. I have no idea how to make sense of this.

So what I try to do is understand that life is something to be lived every day until it is over. I've always felt that it is my greatest obligation to myself to not be let down when the chips are cashed in. In this regard, there is a quote by a man named Mark Twight that has been haunting me for some time.

"Eventually, I sickened of people, myself included, who didn't think enough of themselves to make something of themselves - people who did only what they had to and never what they could have done. I learned from them the infected loneliness that comes at the end of every misspent day. I knew I could do better."

I think this quote sums up why I travel, but it also leaves me with some level of confusion. I've never considered making something of myself to be tied into saving money or accumlating possessions. In my mind, my overflowing bank account will come in the form of a culmination of life experiences and the satification of a life well lived. But I also wonder whether Mark Twight, or I, truly know what it means to make something of ourselves. Success and happiness are relative terms and their respective paths are not always the same.

If I lead a full life, but have pleased nobody but myself, have I really made something of myself?

And this, to me, is where hope comes in.

In regard to hope, I like to think back to something a man said who climbed through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption.

Personally, I hope that the decisions I make and the endeavors I pursue will lead me down a path that would have otherwise been unattainable should I had stayed at home doing what was comfortable. I hope that the sacrifices I will make in the pursuit of doing something worthwhile prove to be worth the risk. I have hope that by making bold choices in life, the rewards will far exceed those of the safe choices. I hope that I never completely know what I am doing.

I hope that the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. . . (sorry couldn't resist)