USA

I have a confession to make. I have absolutely no idea what I am doing. I think it is widely assumed that because over the past several years I have travelled solo to places such as Borneo, Myanmar, South America and Austral Asia, that I in some way know what I am doing. Well, I don't. No more than anyone else does, I assure you. So why do I do it? Why can't I seem to "settle" into the life that I know how to live?

I think it boils down to two simple things that I seem to have an equal combination of: faith and hope. Wait, wasn't that the title of a really bad sitcom? Well, before any of the guys out there jam a screwdriver into their hard drive to make this all go away, I ask that you to hear me out.

Faith: I've never been big on preachy religious mumbo jumbo and I'm not going to use my blog as a vehicle to make people keen on Jesus, Allah, Buddha or the benefits of a being a snake handler.

I simply have faith as a traveller that the world is a far better place than most of us give it credit for. Though nervous thoughts have inevitably crept into my head preceding each journey, I've always returned home thinking how silly those thoughts had been.

Have bad things happened to me while travelling? Absolutely. Is it entirely possible that I might not make it back from the trip I am about to embark on? Sure. But as I write this, I am several hours removed from learning of the death of a 27-year old woman in my hometown. She was driving home from work. I have no idea how to make sense of this.

So what I try to do is understand that life is something to be lived every day until it is over. I've always felt that it is my greatest obligation to myself to not be let down when the chips are cashed in. In this regard, there is a quote by a man named Mark Twight that has been haunting me for some time.

"Eventually, I sickened of people, myself included, who didn't think enough of themselves to make something of themselves - people who did only what they had to and never what they could have done. I learned from them the infected loneliness that comes at the end of every misspent day. I knew I could do better."

I think this quote sums up why I travel, but it also leaves me with some level of confusion. I've never considered making something of myself to be tied into saving money or accumlating possessions. In my mind, my overflowing bank account will come in the form of a culmination of life experiences and the satification of a life well lived. But I also wonder whether Mark Twight, or I, truly know what it means to make something of ourselves. Success and happiness are relative terms and their respective paths are not always the same.

If I lead a full life, but have pleased nobody but myself, have I really made something of myself?

And this, to me, is where hope comes in.

In regard to hope, I like to think back to something a man said who climbed through a river of shit and came out clean on the other side.

"Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." - Andy Dufresne, The Shawshank Redemption.

Personally, I hope that the decisions I make and the endeavors I pursue will lead me down a path that would have otherwise been unattainable should I had stayed at home doing what was comfortable. I hope that the sacrifices I will make in the pursuit of doing something worthwhile prove to be worth the risk. I have hope that by making bold choices in life, the rewards will far exceed those of the safe choices. I hope that I never completely know what I am doing.

I hope that the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. . . (sorry couldn't resist)

I'm sitting here trying to do the math. Somehow the time space continuum always throws me for a loop. Today is Saturday. One week from today I will be crossing the International Date Line; so technically speaking, one week from today does not exist for me. I leave Los Angeles on Friday, spend umpteen hours on a plane and arrive in Kuala Lumpur on Sunday afternoon. I think I just blew my own mind.

What I'd really like to write about here is something much more tangible and concrete; cosmic signs and celestial allignment. That's right, are the moon and stars trying to tell me something? I'm not so sure about that. I personally like to think of the moon as that really cool guy with sunglasses singing about Big Macs and Fries. Now there's a sign. The moon is telling me to buy Big Macs. Easy enough for me to understand.

But let's take a look at a few of the recent signs this jokester moon has been throwing me over the past several weeks as I prepare for my trip to SE Asia.

1st sign: A small golden retriever I was dog-sitting knocks an old woman off of her bicyle; or more perhaps more accurately frightens her with his playful golden retriever antics. Whatever the case, the woman falls down and breaks her hip and elbow. In America, we have this pesky little thing called a lawsuit which looms over me. Sign? Add in the fact that the dogs' owner is from Taiwan, and woooohooooonannoonanoo. Definite sign: Asia is trouble.

2nd Sign: On a recent raft trip in Utah, I'm running around barefoot and I cut open the bottom of my foot on a rock, probably requiring stitches. Not one to end a good raft trip, I rub a little sand in there and call it good. Sign? Well, walking is generally a pretty helpful thing while travelling.

3rd Sign: Hobbling around on my ankle from the injured foot, my back is thrown out of whack to the point where I needed to be essentially carried to my car to get to the chiropractor. Sign? Again, being able to stand upright often comes in handy while backpacking around Asia.

4th Sign: While attending a UN Conference in New York, the Prime Minister of Thailand receives word that, well his services are no longer needed back home. That and the Thai military has tanks surrounding his old haunts to ensure that he doesn't just go ahead and try to govern anyway. With a 4 day stop-over in Bangkok and it being the city of my departure home, could this be another sign? Images of tanks in the streets aren't exactly "money shots" for Chamber of Commerce ad execs.

So of course all of these signs are out there telling me perhaps my timing is bad, and oh yeah, I should probably buy a Big Mac. But here's the deal - where are the signs that tell me YOU CANNOT GO. Having read a lifetime of Taurus horoscopes telling me things like "be skeptical of people in red hats today", I've never really put a whole lot of stock in what the stars are telling me. Not that I don't believe in them entirely, but a little more information would be helpful astro-counselors!

So I look at these signs like this. The dog woman has turned out to be incredibly reasonable; only looking for reimbursement of out-of-pocket expenses; my foot has healed up just in time and my back feels just fine now. If there are a few tanks in the streets of Bangkok when I get there, well imagine the photo-ops. So unless I get a sign in the next week that tells me, buddy, do not get out of bed today, I'm going with the theory that the Moon Man is just trying to tell me to be careful. If you're going to be jumping around on rock outcroppings, wear a pair of Nike's dummy. If you don't want trouble in Bangkok, definitely do not offer to keep an eye on someone's dog over there and then let it go urinate on a tank.

So for all of you worried about me out there, you have my word that I have seen the writing on the wall and will take all precautions necessary to arrive home safely! But I'm not going to buy a Big Mac whatever that smooth-talking Moon Man says; they're just kind of gross.

I have no idea. To be honest, I just thought it sounded cool. I mean really, how do you name a travel blog, when the traveling has not been done yet? I could have named it Buckley's Wacky Adventures, but then, what if my travels did not turn out to be either wacky or adventurous? Wouldn't I have egg on my face then.

So Mental Malaria. It's got a nice ring to it doesn't it? It kind of came to me after trying to explain to my parents (and some friends) why exactly I had chosen to zero in on places like the Kelabit Highlands in Borneo and then onto the relatively mysterious Myanmar. In truth, I'm easily distracted and lost focus in my travel books reading up on the usual places in SE Asia - could a first symptom of Mental Malaria be short attention span?.

Anyway, the title beats the runner-ups: Typhoid Tales, Dengue Days; and my personal favorite (though perhaps less phonetic) Explosive Diarrhea of the Mind. In hindsight, had I chosen Explosive Diarrhea of the Mind, it just would have added too much pressure; pun intended. I mean if you're going to put yourself out there as someone who has explosive diarrhea of the mind, wouldn't you either have to come off as slightly deranged or potentially psychotic? Well, thinking I may just fall somewhere in between, I'm settling on Mental Malaria - I hope you like it. And this way, if I do happen to say something mildly inflamatory or in bad taste, you out there are free to wonder 'My God, maybe the poor guy does have mental malaria; perhaps we should send money to get this guy straightened out with the right meds'.

In all seriousness, here I am in Vail, Colorado USA preparing for six weeks in Southeast Asia; more specifically Kuala Lumpur, Malaysian Borneo, Bangkok as a mid-and post-trip foray, and then into Myanmar (otherwise known as Burma for Seinfeld fans). I'll be gone from Sept. 30 - Nov. 12, 2006; and in case you're wondering, I've got a pocket full of Malorone. Here I come!